Slave to the Leibovitz

While working as a freelance prop stylist during the summer of 2002 I met this really cool "art buyer" (hires talent-photographers, models, stylists, illustrators-and collaborate with art directors to create print ads promoting anything from cereal to toothpaste to cars). This "art buyer" was also running Annie Leibovitz photo studio, so we both hit it off because I was working part time at a still life studio. This very cool art buyer / photo studio manager suggested that I "try out" for the coveted job as Annie Leibovitz "personal (ass)istant" so I did!

WHOA!!!

So I interviewed..
That went really well.. She came in (Annie), and I was a bit nervous, but she soon made me feel comfortable...
Annie asked me if I'd be interested in the job..
I said yes!
It felt great!
Everything seemed fine..
So during my first day of work I was to begin training with her old (ass)istant (who was leaving to pursue a career as Opera singer!?). What a mess the boy was, this Opera twink who would sometimes sing to me the daily routines in Annie's life and the woes in his crossover from personal (ass)istant to Opera singer. "I'll miss the perks and the parties" said in a zappy queen raspy tone. The job seemed easy, almost like a styling job, getting her clothes, arranging a driver to pick her and Susan up, talking to the nanny, etc. I love doing that stuff!! Annie was always asking me what shirt I was wearing or what sneakers I was rocking because we're the SAME size! Same frame, same height, and same shoe size (I'm a 13!) HELLO!. So anyway everyone who worked at the studio was real nice and I eventually noticed how everyone KISSED / LICKED her ass. During the second day of training with the Opera Queen I was snatched and whisked away by Annie to help out in the kitchen to help prep a party Annie was throwing for her daughter's Sarah 1st birthday party. I was SHOCKED at the food they were prepping for 20 kids and 20 adults: nothing for the kids. I asked the chef (big fat LEZ) (who insisted that I wear a proper chefs outfit, which she had a stockpile of..including the cap!)
the chef seemed to get pissed at me because I could not chop fast enough or in the style she's used to..I'm not a chef! She also got really mad when I questioned the food for the kids..all younger than 5. She was making the same foods for the kids and the adults such as these huge hard Muffoletta sandwiches, huge lobster ravioli, shaved fennel salad, peach and mango chutney and other DELICIOUS yet un-kid-friendly. I think the chef told Annie this because for the rest of the afternoon Annie was glaring at me with such intensity. So there I was shredding fennel and killing fresh lobster feeling so guilty and ashamed as if I said the worse thing on the planet.
Annie asked if I could come in that Saturday to help out for Sarah's first birthday party, so I gladly obliged. What a party for a 1 year old baby. When it came to her daughter there was no expense... hundreds of pink and blue balloons, tons of really cool grab bags stuffed with great toys and treats.. even grab bags for the adults filled with cosmetics and nonsense goodies (i love that shit). Annie hired Dan Zanes to do the music, which was the only good thing for the kids.. Dan Zanes and his band mates were really cool, a bunch of kooky hip hippies. So everyone arrives and I was instructed by Annie to "stand guard" in the back and make sure everything was running smoothly. So out comes the food, giant crusty delicious Muffoletta, lobster ravioli with a pesto-y cream (mmmmm) the salads, and a chicken curry type of dish. The adults were eating away and I think wondering where the kiddie food was... There was none.. Annie was realizing that the kids were not responding well to the adult dishes.. HA HA HA TOLD YOU SO!! So Lezbowitz comes charging at me to go run upstairs and order a bunch of pizzas for the kid and to have them RUSHED. I was frazzled, she was frazzled and she was sooo fuckin nasty barking these orders at me. When I asked her on how I should pay for this she.. almost yelling... "didn't so&so give you my information" "go get" "where is it" screaming!! I was internally FREAKING OUT!! I didn't know what to do.. So she THROWS a Black AMEX card. I was like what the hell is this thing of beauty... I got goose bumps holding it..it felt different.. almost airy like. I was in a strange confused place for like 3 seconds, but all I heard was Lezbowitz demanding that I immediately give her back the card... nooooo I'm going to run off with Annie Lezbowitz Amex Centurion card and buy some Heatherette and McQueen...
I got the pizzas there within a half of an hour and the kids AND parents were ecstatic..
Annie thanked me afterwards and asked if I could stay longer to help break down after everyone left.
I did..
A few people remained, a lot of grab bags (kid and adults) and hundreds of balloons were lingering too. Annie and her big ass enviormental sister and some close friends and the chef were lounging around thinking of how they could dispose of all these balloons. I had the nerve to suggest something...
I had suggested that they bring the remaining kids outside and let all the balloons go.. all kids love that.. right?..

Silence

"that's disgusting" Lezbowitz's gnarly sister said...
"do you now how many birds can die from that"

Once again I was dying on the inside.
Annie was giving me that glare again, that "chef" was nodding her head in disbelief..

WHAT!!
What did I do wrong!!!????

That amazing photographer / HAG was TRIPPING !

The cool art buyer called me on Sunday to say that "its not going to work out"
she did make sure I got a double rate for 4 days of torture.. $2000.00.. not bad.. for a hellacious and weird learning experience..
Check came in 2 days..
That was nice too...

Freggin Butana!

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